I am not the most easy going person you might know. I also may not be the hardest. I think i am some where in the middle. I question everything and contemplate on it all:”Why is this like this” and “how come I am what I am” or “what is this I am feeling, why does it annoy me?” My head has been working overtime figuring every little detail of life out. In the end I found out nothing was figured out really and emotions where just cluttering my head and it made me feel so very tired. Tired of constantly feeling what others feel and not being able to separate that from my own feelings. As well as being overwhelmed by my own feelings, constantly analyzing them.
Decluttering your home makes decluttering your brain. At least for me it did. Sitting on the floor of my apartment going trough all the stuff I had accumulated throughout the years made me reconsider it all. With the space that came by getting rid of all the stuff the need of silence started to grow….
I had been meditating for almost 15 years but always trough chanting mantra’s and using so called celestial communication, but that did not feel right anymore. It felt as if silence was not found trough all the noise and movement. I needed to sit down and just breathe. And so I did. I sat down and started breathing and realized that thoughts come and go. That feelings come but when you just keep on breathing and accept they are there they also go. It felt like magic!!! I never felt better. And there comes the trap: … I wanted to spread the word and tell others how my life had improved and how much more time I mindfully spend with my children, that I have got so much more patience, I can set priorities, finish things and concentrate! That feelings are just feelings and they will pass…. And so I got up my high horse and started to spread the word….
I told them that I was shocked by how they lived there lives, being materialists and getting approval outside their selves. How they where not living real, authentic lives. I told someone how much he had hurt me and how he made me feel. I told them all how they could improve their lives by doing just what I did.
I failed. EPIC. But that is ok. Just like them I meant no wrong. I just wanted to help, I just was too caught up with myself. I did not realize that what might be true to me may not be true to others. I could not feel that what annoyed me was in me and not in them. That maybe instead of judging their behavior I could take a look at my own and change my own habits. But I did not. And even that is ok because now I know.
(*) In Zen tradition there is a thing called cleaning your mirror. Which means that you get aware of your own behavior and instead of judging and blaming others of your own discontent you look within yourself and see what you can do to improve your life.
As someone reminded me to reflect on what harvest has brought me this year and what seeds I want to plant next season I realized this is what it has brought me, the awareness of my personal behavior in this life. Meaning the love I give, I will get back in return.
I think I will sow some love and by that clean my own mirror.
Thank you for reading,
(*) Please note that this is my personal interpretation!
-I use the CALM app to meditate
-I visit a ZEN meditation group on a weekly base
Also I am a big fan of Thich Nath Hanh 🙂