a new start

Last year I started to minimalize our waste, to even go zero waste. I thought it was something we would just do. Man was I wrong. It seemed that the more I wanted to reduce the more I used.The more I wanted to reduce the more I was buying. An urgent feeling of constant NEEDING things was haunting me. I felt (and feel) I deserve(d) things because I had worked very hard or because I had a fight with someone and needed to compensate sad and angry feelings or just because I thought I needed something but then after a while I realized I did not need those things. I need to work on those feelings. The sadness, the anger, the empty feeling.

When I had to change trains last week I had 15 minutes to spare at the railway station. I again realized I was restless constantly thinking: “go get coffee, go get a book, maybe just a magazine, a plant!! A plant is good that’s green…. ! But why why cant I just stand here and wait?”  I wondered. Watch people go by, chat with my children? In the end  got through the 15 minutes without buying something and felt tired but re leaved. But it is this battle that I am constantly fighting every day. The constant need of consuming, whether it is my online intake, my coffee drinking habits or buying impulses. I am aware of them now but still do not have them under control and I am wondering will I ever?  And it is strange because when I am in bed at night I think tomorrow I will start fresh, I will drink my class of water, meditate go to the studio and work. I can reduce waste by deciding not to buy anything packed. I just eat greens and fruit, bread and I will make my own spreads. I have all the good plans when I rest my head. Sadly these thoughts are almost always gone by the next morning. Or they are still there but I ignore them. And I go back to the same routine to end up sad and tired at the end of the day thinking of how the next will be so much better.

This sounds so depressing and it isn’t really that bad. Also,  you might think what it all has to do with zero waste. Well a lot. We in western society have created a way of not dealing with our feelings but just ignoring them and consume. When you think about the pressure we feel in modern society we have to buy a lot compensate all these feelings and there is your waste.

I dare to say that I have come a long way. I am mindful of what happens to me and seven times out of ten I can count to ten, take a deep breath and go on. The other three times I try to buy something green or ecologically 😉

In all honesty, Sophia.

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